Tag Archives: patience

Tell Me Again…

Things don’t always go as smoothly as you think them up in your head. No matter how error proof you can make it, there’s always going to be a pin hole of a fault. Living life with no routine is my preferred style, but it can be such a damper. Sometimes change comes my way that hurts, that tests my strengths, & kicks me while I’m down. I wouldn’t change it though, it forces me to teach myself how to overcome things I fear, helps me grow. It makes me reflect on things I did to bring myself to be in such a disaster factor. If I lived routinely I would never live & love fully, I would just expect it to be love without feeling it completely.. & I wouldn’t trade that feeling for the world. Someone once told me when I said they had loved before that if they weren’t “in love” anymore than it was never love to begin with. That’s always stuck with me since then.. In that case, I never felt real love until I was 22..

Ironically enough, I had no idea how to handle it.. After years of wanting a disney love story, a love story of love stories.. Im given it.. & I fumble. Its no surprise, not for me at least. Good at breaking things & a horrible handywoman.. But I’ll try my best when I realize the damage I’ve done. I can’t change the past, but thats where it should stay, behind you as a reminder & not to ruin a future or present. I think that’s my biggest problem.. I let the past dictate a lot of my life & it holds me down… I do a lot of thinking & I never really say anything about it or expressively let it out.. Which is why I now have a wordpress (:

As anyone would imagine, I’m just a girl. trying to find her medium. Not to sit too heavily on the ice so it doesnt crack.. I feel like I need things to be marked as FRAGILE when they come into my life, so i can proceed with caution haha.

I don’t think I’ve ever wished so much on a star in my life..

I know people say there’s always rain before a rainbow.. but i hate that fucking rain when you’re not with me.

Everyone gets hurt & it deters them from furthering good things out of fear.. I guess its like a second nature.. Like when youre a baby & you fall & cry.. you’re scared to walk on cement again bc it scraped your knee.. Youre afraid to give your heart away even more, bc unlike skin, hearts heal slow.. & I think theres always some sort of fear when giving your heart away.. you have no idea what the hands of another can do to something so precious.. I guess what I’m trying to say is, risk it if its worth it.

Don’t break it before its beautiful though, you know, like (getting back to the past) letting the past confine you into a mental attachment of being THAT boyfriend or girlfriend who always feels like they are owed something because they’ve been through some shit before the great person before them. Those people never last, bc theyre so set on it crumbling before they even realize the gradual amazingness it took & felt to get to a certain point.

Im not sure if im making sense to any of my readers.. but I’m sure someone can side with me and understand.. hopefully.

We’ve all been through some shit, some worse than others.. but its no reason to take it out on someone who had no responsibility in it. That’s hard to do.. not make someone pay for experiences you’ve been through.. I guess thats where you just need to trust that they wont, but a lot of the time smart people wont give into someone they believe has bad intentions.. But sometimes smart people arent smart.. we all make mistakes

I dont know.. I just live my life. Hoping things work out the way they should, hoping I get what I hope for at least some of the time more than none of the time.. Always some sort of hope.. & I’m a hypocrite because Ive always been one to stress that you work your ass off for what you want.. but sometimes you cant work work work on something that wont budge with a rush.. like leading a horse to water, you can’t force it to drink. Sometimes, you just need to be patient & just KNOW itll be ok.

I think life is too short to be selfish.. Being selfish gets you lonely. Thats my take on it. When you’re selfish & you make rash decisions based on a [YOU] factor.. you’re only hurting yourself in the long run. I mean i understand life & death situations etc then you really need to think in a YOU factor, but even then, people would put their life on the line for someone they dont know.. like a soldier. But when it comes to other things, dont ever take for granted how someone feels about you.. There are millions and trillions of people on this planet.. and for one person to feel a heart felt emotion for another, thats something.. because thats not selfish.. when two people share it.. its magnificent.. & I think its rare.. its an unbeatable team..

There’s always going to be someones dreams fulfilled at another hearts expense though & to avoid that by gaining two things at once (fulfilling a dream whilst keeping love in tact).. would be brilliant.. Although i’m sure it’s something you need to master… & i think thats why I believe you should take challenges head on vs selfishly. Some people view it as a crossroad, others view it as an opportune challenge to conquer.. I think I’ll take the high road and view it as an opportune challenge to conquer.

I would fight for love, thats why. My future will always be there, I can always decide to do what I want with my life.. I cant unbreak a heart, I cant make tears unfall when they already have, & I certainly can’t take back words/actions that caused it all. But I would do all it took to avoid it if I felt strongly about that tiny beating organ that gives life to one individual that loves me like no other does.. If I ever did, I’d try my damnest to make it right again. Key in: The opportune challenge to conquer: The Opportune = having the chance to fix, The Challenge = fixing it right, & The Conquer = Making it right again  for good.

I ramble a lot.. I apologize!

It always floors me, one heart, an organ nonetheless, apart of a person, a simple being on a huge planet.. filled with so many others.. yet, its your smile, that makes their heart beat, its your voice that makes their clouds ungrey, its your touch that sends shivers.. nobody elses.. & its their heart that loves your heart.. & if  your heart reflects that back to them? WOW! Its like an 8th world wonder. Love is so beautiful, but so difficult at the same time.. & I guess thats why it rains before theres a rainbow huh?

I get stoked when I come to “AH” moments while Im writing on & on about nothing.

Anyway, when you find love.. hold onto it.. theres a lot of things that you are in control of in your lifetime.. Love gives you minimal control over what your heart is dictator of.

Tagged , , , , ,

Maza chante

One day I will be just right

Maybe not perfect but well worth the fight

Suppose I’ll have what it takes to be what keeps a heart beating

Instead of what keeps a heart thrive in hate for me

Ive grown to be a disaster, a walking mishap of misfortune, it would seem

Like it’s just me & Im battling the world, its one giant team

I love hard, & I am very one sided.. a side of my own

With every disheartening word, my distance grows

I love deep & I love to a fault, I feel

I only feel triumphant when, in response, I know it’s real

I battle with double ended daggers, I fall on it first

I don’t think Im very special, more of a curse

I apologize when I know there is no fault in any

But I do to get back to the love, that I know there is plenty

I day dream of walking down a stream of flowing water & a breeze gentle in my hair

To the meeting of the land, where your heart will greet me there

My heart can break a million time over

But still beat for you my patient lover

I say what I mean because its all I know how to

I say it always.. I say it to you

Forgive my impatience, I am a child of the ever glowing sun

Always ablaze never stopping, although, its you, I have won

A fight from morning til stars rise

In anger, my words freely fly

Guilt spills over me at the thought of breaking your will

My soul & my spirit it kills

My heart speaks up before my mind can make it hault

It gets me in trouble.. but it’s only my fault

Im a work in progress I will be for a long time

That’s why it’s so hard.. I’m truly one of a kind

A challenge so simple with lots of complexities

Like a constant pin drop, the mind loses its identity

But I will try.. and try.. and try.. til it overtakes all

To keep you from that damnated far fall.

… I am nothing special, nothing of that kind

But I think I am deserving of your heart & mind

With an iron heart, big stick, & vow to protect you with every ounce of my soul, mind, & body.

I dont expect the same in return, look who you’re competing with.. little ol’ me.

Just love me like you know how & be faithful from the start

& you will forever keep in tact this mangled heart.

Tagged , , , ,