Tag Archives: life

Moments

Maybe I wasn’t meant for that diary filled with fantasies, a wedding, the whole dream of dreams. So I guess it’s good that I always failed to keep a consistent record of my life. Although uneventful to myself, when I talk to people about the journey thus far they always have wide eyes or wonder and sometimes doubt… that in 26 years I could have survived all that. Believe me, people much younger have survived much worse, I’m sure.
I sit with myself in my thoughts a lot at night and sometimes even when I’m bored at work and wonder where the fuck was I suppose to turn out that I made a wrong decision.. apparently, right here. I can’t help but wonder if this is the life I was meant to live everyday.. or if this is my wake up call to do something… and I truly am, I am trying to do something, even without the support of the ones I thought would be my biggest fans. I’ll make it, too, sit back and watch.
Relationships, have never been anything to me… I fall, I date, it’s usually over in a few years and I move on.. maybe it’s my lack of ever having a solid example of love in my life that didn’t end in a divorce or some bullshit relationship where we become comfortable in coexisting. I crave passionate emotions and fearless lust for deep love. I can’t love when someone doubts me all the time, I refuse to give my all to anyone who doesn’t even put half their heart into my hands. I’m selfish and that’s ok for that sake.
Sometimes I feel so alone that it takes a hug from my daughter to bring me back to reality. She makes me not alone. She makes life worth living, as well as the growing life within me.
People tell me untrue things about myself so many times that I begin to believe those things to be true. Even if they aren’t, you said it… they have to be true. I’m depressed most nights. But as a mother I’m too tired to care about my depression that sleep is my form of battle. A yawn is my battle cry. I’m exhausted, and defeated. I’m too bullheaded to admit it with a white flag but when I recluse, just know… you win.

O&O AE

Tagged , , , , ,

Chocolates In A Box.. Not Literally

N O V E M B E R
BIG NEWS… found out this little one is carrying a little one myself!! thats the big news.. thats the reason my hormones were such dicks!!!! Im currently 12weeks & 5days. yay go us.. my boyfriend is super supportive, & im a lucky gal to have him by my side through this whole thing.. i love looking at him every time we see the baby on the monitor screen.. his face lights up.. & BTW when you have kids or if you have any.. THE HEARTBEAT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SOUND EVER!!!! Youll cry.. I did.. & I do every time I hear it.. you get really emotional too :/ i cried at a comedy.. yeah.. weirdo.. Thanksgiving was GREAT! My parents.. well my mom is stoked.. I havent talked to my dad since the divorce has started.. his doing, not mine.. heartbreaking to say the least..

D E C E M B E R
We moved into our own place 🙂 MERRY CHRISTMASSSSS! & Got a cat, that I didnt tell my boyfriend about until the night we picked him up.. ha… O.O asshole move on my part.. he will not let me live it down.. Christmas in our first place was nice.. but we spent it with my mom.. it was still nice.

So where does that bring me to.. now? Nothing has changed.. except a divorce, a baby on the way, and wanting a new job.. LIFE!

haha..

I guess I’ll save the divorce rant for another day another time.. maybe when I dont have raging hormones on top of building hate towards a lie for 16 years of my lifeeeee..

i am tired… and i just got done eating.. but i know im gonna be hungry again in like 45 minutes..haha its the weekend.. and all i can look forward to is cuddling & sleeping.. wow.. i can dig it.

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Tell Me Again…

Things don’t always go as smoothly as you think them up in your head. No matter how error proof you can make it, there’s always going to be a pin hole of a fault. Living life with no routine is my preferred style, but it can be such a damper. Sometimes change comes my way that hurts, that tests my strengths, & kicks me while I’m down. I wouldn’t change it though, it forces me to teach myself how to overcome things I fear, helps me grow. It makes me reflect on things I did to bring myself to be in such a disaster factor. If I lived routinely I would never live & love fully, I would just expect it to be love without feeling it completely.. & I wouldn’t trade that feeling for the world. Someone once told me when I said they had loved before that if they weren’t “in love” anymore than it was never love to begin with. That’s always stuck with me since then.. In that case, I never felt real love until I was 22..

Ironically enough, I had no idea how to handle it.. After years of wanting a disney love story, a love story of love stories.. Im given it.. & I fumble. Its no surprise, not for me at least. Good at breaking things & a horrible handywoman.. But I’ll try my best when I realize the damage I’ve done. I can’t change the past, but thats where it should stay, behind you as a reminder & not to ruin a future or present. I think that’s my biggest problem.. I let the past dictate a lot of my life & it holds me down… I do a lot of thinking & I never really say anything about it or expressively let it out.. Which is why I now have a wordpress (:

As anyone would imagine, I’m just a girl. trying to find her medium. Not to sit too heavily on the ice so it doesnt crack.. I feel like I need things to be marked as FRAGILE when they come into my life, so i can proceed with caution haha.

I don’t think I’ve ever wished so much on a star in my life..

I know people say there’s always rain before a rainbow.. but i hate that fucking rain when you’re not with me.

Everyone gets hurt & it deters them from furthering good things out of fear.. I guess its like a second nature.. Like when youre a baby & you fall & cry.. you’re scared to walk on cement again bc it scraped your knee.. Youre afraid to give your heart away even more, bc unlike skin, hearts heal slow.. & I think theres always some sort of fear when giving your heart away.. you have no idea what the hands of another can do to something so precious.. I guess what I’m trying to say is, risk it if its worth it.

Don’t break it before its beautiful though, you know, like (getting back to the past) letting the past confine you into a mental attachment of being THAT boyfriend or girlfriend who always feels like they are owed something because they’ve been through some shit before the great person before them. Those people never last, bc theyre so set on it crumbling before they even realize the gradual amazingness it took & felt to get to a certain point.

Im not sure if im making sense to any of my readers.. but I’m sure someone can side with me and understand.. hopefully.

We’ve all been through some shit, some worse than others.. but its no reason to take it out on someone who had no responsibility in it. That’s hard to do.. not make someone pay for experiences you’ve been through.. I guess thats where you just need to trust that they wont, but a lot of the time smart people wont give into someone they believe has bad intentions.. But sometimes smart people arent smart.. we all make mistakes

I dont know.. I just live my life. Hoping things work out the way they should, hoping I get what I hope for at least some of the time more than none of the time.. Always some sort of hope.. & I’m a hypocrite because Ive always been one to stress that you work your ass off for what you want.. but sometimes you cant work work work on something that wont budge with a rush.. like leading a horse to water, you can’t force it to drink. Sometimes, you just need to be patient & just KNOW itll be ok.

I think life is too short to be selfish.. Being selfish gets you lonely. Thats my take on it. When you’re selfish & you make rash decisions based on a [YOU] factor.. you’re only hurting yourself in the long run. I mean i understand life & death situations etc then you really need to think in a YOU factor, but even then, people would put their life on the line for someone they dont know.. like a soldier. But when it comes to other things, dont ever take for granted how someone feels about you.. There are millions and trillions of people on this planet.. and for one person to feel a heart felt emotion for another, thats something.. because thats not selfish.. when two people share it.. its magnificent.. & I think its rare.. its an unbeatable team..

There’s always going to be someones dreams fulfilled at another hearts expense though & to avoid that by gaining two things at once (fulfilling a dream whilst keeping love in tact).. would be brilliant.. Although i’m sure it’s something you need to master… & i think thats why I believe you should take challenges head on vs selfishly. Some people view it as a crossroad, others view it as an opportune challenge to conquer.. I think I’ll take the high road and view it as an opportune challenge to conquer.

I would fight for love, thats why. My future will always be there, I can always decide to do what I want with my life.. I cant unbreak a heart, I cant make tears unfall when they already have, & I certainly can’t take back words/actions that caused it all. But I would do all it took to avoid it if I felt strongly about that tiny beating organ that gives life to one individual that loves me like no other does.. If I ever did, I’d try my damnest to make it right again. Key in: The opportune challenge to conquer: The Opportune = having the chance to fix, The Challenge = fixing it right, & The Conquer = Making it right again  for good.

I ramble a lot.. I apologize!

It always floors me, one heart, an organ nonetheless, apart of a person, a simple being on a huge planet.. filled with so many others.. yet, its your smile, that makes their heart beat, its your voice that makes their clouds ungrey, its your touch that sends shivers.. nobody elses.. & its their heart that loves your heart.. & if  your heart reflects that back to them? WOW! Its like an 8th world wonder. Love is so beautiful, but so difficult at the same time.. & I guess thats why it rains before theres a rainbow huh?

I get stoked when I come to “AH” moments while Im writing on & on about nothing.

Anyway, when you find love.. hold onto it.. theres a lot of things that you are in control of in your lifetime.. Love gives you minimal control over what your heart is dictator of.

Tagged , , , , ,