Category Archives: Rant

Never stopped

You can still love someone, even after

I’ve been fighting to survive since I was a child… I won’t stop now.
I’ve realized I wasn’t important to more people long after the fact…
I’ve admitted my mistakes, you’re probably laughing at that.. but I have..
This is how I feel and no one can tell me I’m wrong for it..
I feel second best… a convenience when he’s not needing you
You drop everything.. even us for things that can wait
For someone who’s put irrelevant beings ahead of you
A convenience when you’re in a good mood
Convenient when I make enough money to keep things flowing
Approved when I go and do the embarrassing things dealing with the government
When I use the broken card bc I’m not too proud
I’m ok to be around when you’re not upset with him or them or whomever didn’t piss you off today
Supposed to be oil and water to others..
All it has become is a smorgasbord
I can’t remember the last time someone didn’t influence how our days went or how your lack of sleep and self love didn’t make me feel so small
Every remark of my mistakes I can only use as strength bc had they been used for deteriorating myself… I’d surely be dead
I’m weak.
You’re my weakness
So capable of love..
You are
Masked in walls so high the vines grow from the depth of the darkness in your soul
My effort is disguised in all the wrong I’ve done
If I could I’d change ever living my life to anyone’s standard but my own
Attempts to make you love yourself
Seen as annoying
As desperate
As childish
Not as the partner I was working to be for you
Not the adult who was trying to break you down to shine you through
I should’ve meant more
You should’ve meant more
We should’ve meant more
Should have been indestructible
… this isn’t easy
Growing from within an innocent life
That you barely acknowledge
You don’t ask how I’m doing
How my days are going
You don’t care
Waking up
Heartbreak after Heartbreak
I’m strong-willed
You’re bullheaded
Pride being our downfall
A breath too loud
I’ve ruined your day
I’ve gone from a brick to an eggshell
I’m crumbling
You’re fine

O&O AE

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Chocolates In A Box.. Not Literally

N O V E M B E R
BIG NEWS… found out this little one is carrying a little one myself!! thats the big news.. thats the reason my hormones were such dicks!!!! Im currently 12weeks & 5days. yay go us.. my boyfriend is super supportive, & im a lucky gal to have him by my side through this whole thing.. i love looking at him every time we see the baby on the monitor screen.. his face lights up.. & BTW when you have kids or if you have any.. THE HEARTBEAT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SOUND EVER!!!! Youll cry.. I did.. & I do every time I hear it.. you get really emotional too :/ i cried at a comedy.. yeah.. weirdo.. Thanksgiving was GREAT! My parents.. well my mom is stoked.. I havent talked to my dad since the divorce has started.. his doing, not mine.. heartbreaking to say the least..

D E C E M B E R
We moved into our own place 🙂 MERRY CHRISTMASSSSS! & Got a cat, that I didnt tell my boyfriend about until the night we picked him up.. ha… O.O asshole move on my part.. he will not let me live it down.. Christmas in our first place was nice.. but we spent it with my mom.. it was still nice.

So where does that bring me to.. now? Nothing has changed.. except a divorce, a baby on the way, and wanting a new job.. LIFE!

haha..

I guess I’ll save the divorce rant for another day another time.. maybe when I dont have raging hormones on top of building hate towards a lie for 16 years of my lifeeeee..

i am tired… and i just got done eating.. but i know im gonna be hungry again in like 45 minutes..haha its the weekend.. and all i can look forward to is cuddling & sleeping.. wow.. i can dig it.

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Dogma & Black ops.

ImageIsn’t it funny how one thought can snowball into an atrocious mindfuck? Yeah pretty crazy. My inner voice can be a bitch sometimes. It dawned on me, we all live in dogma. If it’s not dogma of ourselves, then it’s dogma of society.. etc.. I HATE IT. I try my best not to be this way.. but I describe myself as dogmatic.. but I’ve gotten a lot better.

I apologize for not writing in such a longgggg time.. forgive me.. I’ve been busting my ass to make a reality of something I want to happen. Send me good vibes! THANKS.

Anyway, as I ramble I have plenty to write about.. with a day off from life.. it’s long overdue I’d say so.

My boyfriend is my best friend, I can talk to him about anything & everything.. he’s always there.

When I first saw you, I fell in  love.. & you smiled because you knew

It made me think of when I first saw my boyfriend.. I was on a bus..greyhound.. I first saw him on the phone as we were pulling up.. he was sitting in the jeep.. I couldnt contain myself I was figity in my seat.. I was more excited than nervous.. I was so ready to see him and be able to touch him without using keystrokes of my laptop. He was wearing sunglasses, but I smiled when I saw him.. I really did fall in love.. & I knew it.. & he smiled too.. and we kissed.. magnetic.. i love his beard. He’s at perfect height for me.. simply perfect

Just wanted to throw that out there.

I find it crazy..

You go through life.. in and out of relationships.. and then you finally get that one.. for you.. & you wonder what it was you had with everyone else. I always try to avoid telling my boyfriend that he was the first person I ever truly love.. bc I know he wouldnt believe it.. but it is him who said if you love someone and it isn’t love anymore then it was never love to begin with.. I know I probably sicken a lot of you with talking about my relationship a lot, but when you only feel it with one person thats all you can use.. I dont compare my boyfriend to those of my past but I do know what I felt with them was nothing to what I have with him.. I’m not really one to repeat myself, so I never really has a lot of relationships that were on & off.. I make a choice & I live with it… I follow my heart to the best of my ability & I’m honest with myself. I know that no guys has given me butterflies with steel wings like he does, none of them have made me smile the way he can get me to smile.. they never fit in my future plans.. but somehow he fits perfectly.. none of them were a friend to me.. & I think thats where he trumps everyone.. He knows me, inside & out.. he knows how I am & how to be there for me.. he’s just that one ya know? How can I ever express something that words will never describe, he just stands out from the rest.. his heart waiting for my waiting heart.lovely plan & perfectly executed.. but I know a lot of you reading this can relate to that feeling.. of that one person completely changing your life in the best way.. he’s my one.. *awwwhhhhh <3* <– that thoughts been on my mind for a long time, how he’s the first person to have this affect on me.. I don’t have a backup plan bc he’s the only thing I have a plan with.. & I know it’ll work.

You know… I had a lot to type about but it’s a really nice day outside.. & I wanna order some pizza, open the windows, & play black ops.. So I think I’ll do just that.

Thanks for reading (:

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Tell Me Again…

Things don’t always go as smoothly as you think them up in your head. No matter how error proof you can make it, there’s always going to be a pin hole of a fault. Living life with no routine is my preferred style, but it can be such a damper. Sometimes change comes my way that hurts, that tests my strengths, & kicks me while I’m down. I wouldn’t change it though, it forces me to teach myself how to overcome things I fear, helps me grow. It makes me reflect on things I did to bring myself to be in such a disaster factor. If I lived routinely I would never live & love fully, I would just expect it to be love without feeling it completely.. & I wouldn’t trade that feeling for the world. Someone once told me when I said they had loved before that if they weren’t “in love” anymore than it was never love to begin with. That’s always stuck with me since then.. In that case, I never felt real love until I was 22..

Ironically enough, I had no idea how to handle it.. After years of wanting a disney love story, a love story of love stories.. Im given it.. & I fumble. Its no surprise, not for me at least. Good at breaking things & a horrible handywoman.. But I’ll try my best when I realize the damage I’ve done. I can’t change the past, but thats where it should stay, behind you as a reminder & not to ruin a future or present. I think that’s my biggest problem.. I let the past dictate a lot of my life & it holds me down… I do a lot of thinking & I never really say anything about it or expressively let it out.. Which is why I now have a wordpress (:

As anyone would imagine, I’m just a girl. trying to find her medium. Not to sit too heavily on the ice so it doesnt crack.. I feel like I need things to be marked as FRAGILE when they come into my life, so i can proceed with caution haha.

I don’t think I’ve ever wished so much on a star in my life..

I know people say there’s always rain before a rainbow.. but i hate that fucking rain when you’re not with me.

Everyone gets hurt & it deters them from furthering good things out of fear.. I guess its like a second nature.. Like when youre a baby & you fall & cry.. you’re scared to walk on cement again bc it scraped your knee.. Youre afraid to give your heart away even more, bc unlike skin, hearts heal slow.. & I think theres always some sort of fear when giving your heart away.. you have no idea what the hands of another can do to something so precious.. I guess what I’m trying to say is, risk it if its worth it.

Don’t break it before its beautiful though, you know, like (getting back to the past) letting the past confine you into a mental attachment of being THAT boyfriend or girlfriend who always feels like they are owed something because they’ve been through some shit before the great person before them. Those people never last, bc theyre so set on it crumbling before they even realize the gradual amazingness it took & felt to get to a certain point.

Im not sure if im making sense to any of my readers.. but I’m sure someone can side with me and understand.. hopefully.

We’ve all been through some shit, some worse than others.. but its no reason to take it out on someone who had no responsibility in it. That’s hard to do.. not make someone pay for experiences you’ve been through.. I guess thats where you just need to trust that they wont, but a lot of the time smart people wont give into someone they believe has bad intentions.. But sometimes smart people arent smart.. we all make mistakes

I dont know.. I just live my life. Hoping things work out the way they should, hoping I get what I hope for at least some of the time more than none of the time.. Always some sort of hope.. & I’m a hypocrite because Ive always been one to stress that you work your ass off for what you want.. but sometimes you cant work work work on something that wont budge with a rush.. like leading a horse to water, you can’t force it to drink. Sometimes, you just need to be patient & just KNOW itll be ok.

I think life is too short to be selfish.. Being selfish gets you lonely. Thats my take on it. When you’re selfish & you make rash decisions based on a [YOU] factor.. you’re only hurting yourself in the long run. I mean i understand life & death situations etc then you really need to think in a YOU factor, but even then, people would put their life on the line for someone they dont know.. like a soldier. But when it comes to other things, dont ever take for granted how someone feels about you.. There are millions and trillions of people on this planet.. and for one person to feel a heart felt emotion for another, thats something.. because thats not selfish.. when two people share it.. its magnificent.. & I think its rare.. its an unbeatable team..

There’s always going to be someones dreams fulfilled at another hearts expense though & to avoid that by gaining two things at once (fulfilling a dream whilst keeping love in tact).. would be brilliant.. Although i’m sure it’s something you need to master… & i think thats why I believe you should take challenges head on vs selfishly. Some people view it as a crossroad, others view it as an opportune challenge to conquer.. I think I’ll take the high road and view it as an opportune challenge to conquer.

I would fight for love, thats why. My future will always be there, I can always decide to do what I want with my life.. I cant unbreak a heart, I cant make tears unfall when they already have, & I certainly can’t take back words/actions that caused it all. But I would do all it took to avoid it if I felt strongly about that tiny beating organ that gives life to one individual that loves me like no other does.. If I ever did, I’d try my damnest to make it right again. Key in: The opportune challenge to conquer: The Opportune = having the chance to fix, The Challenge = fixing it right, & The Conquer = Making it right again  for good.

I ramble a lot.. I apologize!

It always floors me, one heart, an organ nonetheless, apart of a person, a simple being on a huge planet.. filled with so many others.. yet, its your smile, that makes their heart beat, its your voice that makes their clouds ungrey, its your touch that sends shivers.. nobody elses.. & its their heart that loves your heart.. & if  your heart reflects that back to them? WOW! Its like an 8th world wonder. Love is so beautiful, but so difficult at the same time.. & I guess thats why it rains before theres a rainbow huh?

I get stoked when I come to “AH” moments while Im writing on & on about nothing.

Anyway, when you find love.. hold onto it.. theres a lot of things that you are in control of in your lifetime.. Love gives you minimal control over what your heart is dictator of.

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Involuntarily optional..

Every now & then I get a wild urge to just go on a fantastic rant on things I discover or constant things I see on Facebook, comical right? Unfortunately, I live a routine life that is not so routine in a sense, but I don’t have the time to be a butterfly and be social beyond the customers at work & my friends across the country, well just one. Hopefully you can understand that beyond my boyfriend, across the nation best friend, customers who aren’t so fantastic (I work in a car parts store, customers are usually pissed when they have to deal with us) & on occasion my nosey neighbor.. I have little to no time to gallivant the area noticing society and it’s beautiful downfalls.

Continuing on.. I am going to be ranting about a few things.. maybe more or less than a few.. and probably going off topic on more than one scribble. Forgive me in advance,  I am not professional writer. However, Tumblr became crowded & nobody wants to read paragraphs of bullshitting on Facebook right? So this is the order I’m going to be ranting, hopefully, naive love, cheating, benefit of the doubt, & what things in life end up coming down to.. 3 things. I feel like its safe to say the first three all somehow tie into each other.

  • Naive Love

Perusing my facebook newsfeed I have come across a tsunami of naive love. More so one in particular, the “new boyfriend every so often months or weeks, after one break up bashing them on statuses & then refusing to admit that they are indeed hurt & not over it soooo onto the next hopeful who has no idea he is nothing more than damaged goods until they are overused” Run-on much? Yeah. Anyway, yes, it kills me.. Young, bright, could cut down on the constant self image pictures that all look the same uploads, priorities are a little lacking, but no standards in guys.. You were in love with one guy, now you’re in love with the next, and surprise you’re in love with this new guy too? I see, it’s ok to be in love because you have known him for a long time… Funny you known him or you have been acquaintances for a long time? Love doesnt come with that sudden rush, it comes with time, effort, downfalls, & sacrifice.. NOT a deep convo every few weeks and a steady paycheck.. There’s also a fine bold line of respect in love, you respect his/her emotions and sometimes theres emotions they don’t show but you know.. don’t test them.,. you’re only hurting yourself. Basically, I’m saying give yourself time to heal, find yourself & love who you are, know what you want, & be brave enough to not fall for the next guy who gives you everything you want.. A soul mate is suppose to break you, in all forms.. They break you open so a new light can shine through (eat pray love) they let you discover parts about you that you had no idea existed.. but they love all that about you as well.. Im not professional on love so don’t take my word for law, but I know love doesn’t always mean fields of beautiful daisies, its a field of roses.. beautiful, yes, but try and grab it up fast & blindly.. You’ll get stuck with a thorn.. and that pain lasts a little while.

  • Cheating

You can say its wrong and it hurts, but you will never mean it until it happens to you. Nothing hurts worse than not knowing the truth, its like working double over time to find it.. especially when your heart is on the line for someone you care about.. someone you trusted.. you always hope you don’t find anything, you’d rather take the blame for being wrong than being hurt.. but when you find the proof… its like death.. even if you knew before the proof, its still shocking.. i guess it depends on the kind of person you are.. but I like to think hurt is the same for everyone when it comes to giving yourself and your time up for another who gave theirs up to someone else.

I will always have my opinions on cheating, and by that I mean I will never say there is any moment it is acceptable. Rape, not cheating, in case there are any smartasses out there. You have a relationship, you stay faithful to them.. Unless you guys are under some sort of agreement that it’s ok to date other openly, then good for you. Anyway, cheating sucks.. Someone always gets hurt. Im harsh on people when it comes to it happening to people I’m close to getting cheating on.. Forgive them & then let them go.. Forgive & don’t forget.. Its like training something, if you say its ok the first time but not to do it again, they’re gonna get the courage to try again. Perhaps in a rare case theyll never do it again, but lets be real.. Who can honestly say they forgave their significant (lol) other and never had the feeling they were being cheated on again afterward.. or caught them leading up to it again.. not many. I don’t understand the ground people stand when they let it continue and then are surprised when it happens again… and again… and AGAIN.. You don’t deserve that because you deserve better.. but if you settle for it then that’s what youll continue to get.. Be brave.. be strong..

  • Benefit of a doubt

Moving forward.. Getting cheated on.. SUCKS.. we’ve concluded.. but entering a new relationship afterwards isn’t easy either.. not for you and not for the new lovely lover. This is where benefit of a doubt comes into play.. Assuming you gave yourself time to heal, you fancy this new person.. GREAT.. you enter the romance.. good job.. now things are beautiful.. YAY!.. then things begin to get mellow but just comfortable mellow as in maybe they’re not up your ass (not bed room wise haha) all the time.. you start to come up with wild images in your head that they are…………. Cheating.. when they probably are just playing some Words With Friends on some game but not the game with your emotions… Then you begin to go down that path, checking on them all the time, becoming the clinger you try to avoid becoming out of fear of history repeating itself.. STOP IT!! The hardest thing to do is to trust someone after being dragged through shit, but you should because you may lose something amazing.. not perfect.. but amazing that will grow into perfect, for you. Trust them until they give you a reason not to.. then if they give you a reason that isnt drastic, you can slowly work through it if it isn’t too late.. or just leave.. Benefit of the doubt it like trusting without knowing.. Ive seen too many relationships fall to pieces because one or the other or both made the other pay for the past.. its one of the saddest cycles I’ve ever seen.. Besides, I think it takes a lot for someone to enter a relationship with someone who’s been hurt a lot before, because they should already know it wont be easy but are willing to work through the broken pieces to be the glue that keeps it going and makes it a masterpiece.. just like a soul mate should.

  • What things in life end up coming down to

Everything in life has an outcome.. good, bad, working itself out by merely brushing it off aka ignoring it.. but it does.. So i’ve concluded.. anything and everything to deal with you comes down to these three outcomes or ways to deal with it

  1. You let it go & let life go on
  2. You do something about it so your life can go on
  3. Let it take over your life and you become its bitch

Either way, you have an option to take control of it, ignore it, or let it control you.. Choose wisely (:

Hope you guys enjoyed my crazy all over the place little post, my next post will probably be about me.. I probably should have done that first but I had been taking notes about these points these recent two days and needed to get them out of my head! Enjoy, leave comments.. open to constructive criticism of course, but I stated I am not a professional, and I just type as it comes to mind & gathers in this brain of mine.

Beware:  Sometimes I feel artistic & write poetry lol.

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