Monthly Archives: September 2015

Moments

Maybe I wasn’t meant for that diary filled with fantasies, a wedding, the whole dream of dreams. So I guess it’s good that I always failed to keep a consistent record of my life. Although uneventful to myself, when I talk to people about the journey thus far they always have wide eyes or wonder and sometimes doubt… that in 26 years I could have survived all that. Believe me, people much younger have survived much worse, I’m sure.
I sit with myself in my thoughts a lot at night and sometimes even when I’m bored at work and wonder where the fuck was I suppose to turn out that I made a wrong decision.. apparently, right here. I can’t help but wonder if this is the life I was meant to live everyday.. or if this is my wake up call to do something… and I truly am, I am trying to do something, even without the support of the ones I thought would be my biggest fans. I’ll make it, too, sit back and watch.
Relationships, have never been anything to me… I fall, I date, it’s usually over in a few years and I move on.. maybe it’s my lack of ever having a solid example of love in my life that didn’t end in a divorce or some bullshit relationship where we become comfortable in coexisting. I crave passionate emotions and fearless lust for deep love. I can’t love when someone doubts me all the time, I refuse to give my all to anyone who doesn’t even put half their heart into my hands. I’m selfish and that’s ok for that sake.
Sometimes I feel so alone that it takes a hug from my daughter to bring me back to reality. She makes me not alone. She makes life worth living, as well as the growing life within me.
People tell me untrue things about myself so many times that I begin to believe those things to be true. Even if they aren’t, you said it… they have to be true. I’m depressed most nights. But as a mother I’m too tired to care about my depression that sleep is my form of battle. A yawn is my battle cry. I’m exhausted, and defeated. I’m too bullheaded to admit it with a white flag but when I recluse, just know… you win.

O&O AE

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Never stopped

You can still love someone, even after

I’ve been fighting to survive since I was a child… I won’t stop now.
I’ve realized I wasn’t important to more people long after the fact…
I’ve admitted my mistakes, you’re probably laughing at that.. but I have..
This is how I feel and no one can tell me I’m wrong for it..
I feel second best… a convenience when he’s not needing you
You drop everything.. even us for things that can wait
For someone who’s put irrelevant beings ahead of you
A convenience when you’re in a good mood
Convenient when I make enough money to keep things flowing
Approved when I go and do the embarrassing things dealing with the government
When I use the broken card bc I’m not too proud
I’m ok to be around when you’re not upset with him or them or whomever didn’t piss you off today
Supposed to be oil and water to others..
All it has become is a smorgasbord
I can’t remember the last time someone didn’t influence how our days went or how your lack of sleep and self love didn’t make me feel so small
Every remark of my mistakes I can only use as strength bc had they been used for deteriorating myself… I’d surely be dead
I’m weak.
You’re my weakness
So capable of love..
You are
Masked in walls so high the vines grow from the depth of the darkness in your soul
My effort is disguised in all the wrong I’ve done
If I could I’d change ever living my life to anyone’s standard but my own
Attempts to make you love yourself
Seen as annoying
As desperate
As childish
Not as the partner I was working to be for you
Not the adult who was trying to break you down to shine you through
I should’ve meant more
You should’ve meant more
We should’ve meant more
Should have been indestructible
… this isn’t easy
Growing from within an innocent life
That you barely acknowledge
You don’t ask how I’m doing
How my days are going
You don’t care
Waking up
Heartbreak after Heartbreak
I’m strong-willed
You’re bullheaded
Pride being our downfall
A breath too loud
I’ve ruined your day
I’ve gone from a brick to an eggshell
I’m crumbling
You’re fine

O&O AE