Que Sera Sera

This is true..

Everything seems so amplified when youre not around.. The crickets, the heart beat, & the rain.. The sun shines too bright, & I wear my glasses bc it pisses me off. Everyone seems so happy.. as happy as I was.. & I’m jealous.. I have you but I dont.. I feel like fucking Mario, I can’t jump up this god damn hill without getting a life size changing mushroom head.. & I can’t find it.. why? Because its in your back pocket…

I hate looking weak.. Absolutely hate looking weak, and thats how I feel.. Is this some lesson I need to be taught? That if you want something in your life, you can’t fight it or make it come back, you have to open your heart up & let it be known..

Well fine.. here goes..

You love someone so much that you don’t even feel like a fucking person when they’re not around.. that their heart is making you live too.. Their blood runs through you.. like some weird form of life. For a moment in time you just forgot about all the worries in your life when you see their smile with your own eyes & touch their scruffy face with your hands.. & get to know they want you in their arms when they wrap you up in them.. & when its taken away from you, you feel so abandoned.. even if they were the one who took it away.. but you had taken it for granted so many times before… its like karma being the bitch it can be.

I usually do things with no thought, like I said I dont live routinely bc its not preferred.. & here I am having a moment.. Im in fingers reach of having & losing the only important thing in my life.. At one moment I think im free of blame and now all I can do is blame myself.. No mind games were needed for this one.. I ran him over with an 18 wheeler once & the reversed over him… & I guess I deserve this loneliness.. i dont know..

Im dramatic.. but I’m fragile with some thick walls surrounding me.. with every move my world shakes but my walls dont break.. and I don’t care about much and I rarely care about people.. but i care about this.. more than i care about a lot that i’ve cared a lot about before..and it’s so hard for me to open up appropriately without sounding rude or bitchy.. I don’t know how to sound sincere sometimes..

sometimes im so cold & heartless… its hard to believe me.. but someones bound to believe me like i believe in myself.. my word is good.

ive learned that you cant expect to be given everything you think you deserve.. you have to prove that you deserve it.. no matter how many tears my eyes can produce, ill continue to cry them until i know where i need to be with you.. ill wish on every fucking star i see every night if i have to, blow out dandelion after dandelion bc they travel where ever the wind blows.. and i know at some point itll land on your shirt when youre walking somewhere.. like the stars are the same stars i wish on that you may or may not see at night.. id walk those 1,626,240 ft to prove it to you.. i told you that if you ever walked to me you’d be stupid.. well if walking to you makes me stupid.. fuck it, im a fucking idiot but id do it..

Im such a fighter, I fought off what I was fighting for.. I get mad over everything.. I know.. a lot of it wont change, but I’ll fix what I need to.. I’m human, not a robot.. i cant be programmed to be perfect & I don’t wish to be perfect.. I wish for you to close your eyes, place yourself in my shoes for 20minutes & try not to cry bc you have no idea how much emotion is really running through my body and heart that i just cant explain..

Every person has a weakness, whether it be food, tv, or a book.. You’re mine.. Anybody else I would be fine to just leave.. I cant with you.. I close my eyes.. I see your eyes when I opened my eyes when you were laying next to me and looking at me in your bed.. I toss over in my bed and I think about tossing over and hugging onto you.. So I toss back over & just think about when you were passed out & tossed over held onto me & let the biggest sigh of relief out, you held me.. the whole night. I remember cuz I held your hand when you did. Youre my weakness.. & I’m ok with it.. bc I want you.. Just you..

I guess I took it as a challenge to challenge your feelings like I did all the time.. I shouldn’t have been so surprised when I was wrong & you did what you did..Believe me I would change so much.. I really would..

How can one person have so much influence on your life, they’re there in your face when they’re not even in the same state as you.. You wake up in the morning & look at your phone, instead of going to facebook you scroll through their pictures and smile.

I’m not afraid of trying for you.. or looking weak because I love you.. I said before I’d fight for love.. bc I believe in it.. & I believe in us.. I believe in you most of all. I’d be strong for you.. I’d be anything you want.. just as long as you call me yours..

If I could follow the stars to you, I would..

Im not very good at expressing myself.. I sound odd, and I’m kleenexing tears off my cheeks as I write this but theres more to say..

We’re not perfect.. but we are for each other with our imperfections.. I embrace everything about you.. I don’t feel at home when Im not with you.. Sitting next to me driving with a cigarette in your ear & your spys covering your eyes.. one hand on the steering wheel and one intertwined in my fingers.. scooting closer just to be closer to you bc we’ve spent so much time apart.. Listening to you get pissed at slow drivers & “dumbass” drivers. Sitting in complete silence with you and being fine because you’re not miles from my reach. Hearing you call me baby without having to read it on a text message.

Do you realize, you’re the only one i wanna hear calling me sweet names.. not from anyone else.. just you. You’re the only one I want to get pissed at over facebook something so fucking stupid, youre the only person I want to call when I get exciting news, and act like a complete idiot with or around because you make me comfortable even though a lot of the time you just kind of look at me like “i can’t believe i love this girl” sometimes (: thats ok bc you love me nonetheless.. I wanna cry and fall in your arms when I feel like giving up, I want you to wipe the tears from my eyes and rock me & tell me itll be ok like you have before, kiss my forehead and call me silly for crying but smile that smile you do for me.  Its you.. ever since the obvious 2 years ago.. ever since I admitted to it May 1st.. & for now until forever.. its gonna remain you..

I want to be there when you feel alone so that you know youre not, to pick you up when youre down & bring you back to good, to remind you how important you are to me & to hold you in silence when words arent needed.. I want you to feel my love without me saying a word.. I want to be the only person you know can do that.. Bc you’re the only person who can to me.. You’re beautiful in your ways & you don’t even know it.. You probably never will.. But I’ll always see it.. even with the grim looks you may carry, I know your soul is built on beauty.. I want to reflect it on you like you do on me when I didn’t push you off the cliff.. Im sorry .. I just love you.. more than I thought I could love anyone..

Im a bitch, & I’m goofy.. I’m silent & I think about too much too fast.. Im stubborn and grumpy.. I have a nack for thinking every girl wants you.. bc I know how amazing you are.. but I’d go through hell and back for you.. Im not weak hearted.. but I know I feel empty right now.. & I’m living off what we have.. & you dont have to believe me, but I do.. Bc this is all from my heart.. no matter how little you think it may be.. its there..

You will never know just how much you love someone until you almost lose them or lose them completely.. Its a horror movie internally.. Except its on repeat..

Words can’t bring you to me.. I hope my heart can.. bc its all here..

Trust me.. Believe in us..

i love you.. just you.. F*E*TTM*B*TI*B*2Image

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