Moments

Maybe I wasn’t meant for that diary filled with fantasies, a wedding, the whole dream of dreams. So I guess it’s good that I always failed to keep a consistent record of my life. Although uneventful to myself, when I talk to people about the journey thus far they always have wide eyes or wonder and sometimes doubt… that in 26 years I could have survived all that. Believe me, people much younger have survived much worse, I’m sure.
I sit with myself in my thoughts a lot at night and sometimes even when I’m bored at work and wonder where the fuck was I suppose to turn out that I made a wrong decision.. apparently, right here. I can’t help but wonder if this is the life I was meant to live everyday.. or if this is my wake up call to do something… and I truly am, I am trying to do something, even without the support of the ones I thought would be my biggest fans. I’ll make it, too, sit back and watch.
Relationships, have never been anything to me… I fall, I date, it’s usually over in a few years and I move on.. maybe it’s my lack of ever having a solid example of love in my life that didn’t end in a divorce or some bullshit relationship where we become comfortable in coexisting. I crave passionate emotions and fearless lust for deep love. I can’t love when someone doubts me all the time, I refuse to give my all to anyone who doesn’t even put half their heart into my hands. I’m selfish and that’s ok for that sake.
Sometimes I feel so alone that it takes a hug from my daughter to bring me back to reality. She makes me not alone. She makes life worth living, as well as the growing life within me.
People tell me untrue things about myself so many times that I begin to believe those things to be true. Even if they aren’t, you said it… they have to be true. I’m depressed most nights. But as a mother I’m too tired to care about my depression that sleep is my form of battle. A yawn is my battle cry. I’m exhausted, and defeated. I’m too bullheaded to admit it with a white flag but when I recluse, just know… you win.

O&O AE

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Never stopped

You can still love someone, even after

I’ve been fighting to survive since I was a child… I won’t stop now.
I’ve realized I wasn’t important to more people long after the fact…
I’ve admitted my mistakes, you’re probably laughing at that.. but I have..
This is how I feel and no one can tell me I’m wrong for it..
I feel second best… a convenience when he’s not needing you
You drop everything.. even us for things that can wait
For someone who’s put irrelevant beings ahead of you
A convenience when you’re in a good mood
Convenient when I make enough money to keep things flowing
Approved when I go and do the embarrassing things dealing with the government
When I use the broken card bc I’m not too proud
I’m ok to be around when you’re not upset with him or them or whomever didn’t piss you off today
Supposed to be oil and water to others..
All it has become is a smorgasbord
I can’t remember the last time someone didn’t influence how our days went or how your lack of sleep and self love didn’t make me feel so small
Every remark of my mistakes I can only use as strength bc had they been used for deteriorating myself… I’d surely be dead
I’m weak.
You’re my weakness
So capable of love..
You are
Masked in walls so high the vines grow from the depth of the darkness in your soul
My effort is disguised in all the wrong I’ve done
If I could I’d change ever living my life to anyone’s standard but my own
Attempts to make you love yourself
Seen as annoying
As desperate
As childish
Not as the partner I was working to be for you
Not the adult who was trying to break you down to shine you through
I should’ve meant more
You should’ve meant more
We should’ve meant more
Should have been indestructible
… this isn’t easy
Growing from within an innocent life
That you barely acknowledge
You don’t ask how I’m doing
How my days are going
You don’t care
Waking up
Heartbreak after Heartbreak
I’m strong-willed
You’re bullheaded
Pride being our downfall
A breath too loud
I’ve ruined your day
I’ve gone from a brick to an eggshell
I’m crumbling
You’re fine

O&O AE

Chocolates In A Box.. Not Literally

N O V E M B E R
BIG NEWS… found out this little one is carrying a little one myself!! thats the big news.. thats the reason my hormones were such dicks!!!! Im currently 12weeks & 5days. yay go us.. my boyfriend is super supportive, & im a lucky gal to have him by my side through this whole thing.. i love looking at him every time we see the baby on the monitor screen.. his face lights up.. & BTW when you have kids or if you have any.. THE HEARTBEAT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SOUND EVER!!!! Youll cry.. I did.. & I do every time I hear it.. you get really emotional too :/ i cried at a comedy.. yeah.. weirdo.. Thanksgiving was GREAT! My parents.. well my mom is stoked.. I havent talked to my dad since the divorce has started.. his doing, not mine.. heartbreaking to say the least..

D E C E M B E R
We moved into our own place 🙂 MERRY CHRISTMASSSSS! & Got a cat, that I didnt tell my boyfriend about until the night we picked him up.. ha… O.O asshole move on my part.. he will not let me live it down.. Christmas in our first place was nice.. but we spent it with my mom.. it was still nice.

So where does that bring me to.. now? Nothing has changed.. except a divorce, a baby on the way, and wanting a new job.. LIFE!

haha..

I guess I’ll save the divorce rant for another day another time.. maybe when I dont have raging hormones on top of building hate towards a lie for 16 years of my lifeeeee..

i am tired… and i just got done eating.. but i know im gonna be hungry again in like 45 minutes..haha its the weekend.. and all i can look forward to is cuddling & sleeping.. wow.. i can dig it.

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Dogma & Black ops.

ImageIsn’t it funny how one thought can snowball into an atrocious mindfuck? Yeah pretty crazy. My inner voice can be a bitch sometimes. It dawned on me, we all live in dogma. If it’s not dogma of ourselves, then it’s dogma of society.. etc.. I HATE IT. I try my best not to be this way.. but I describe myself as dogmatic.. but I’ve gotten a lot better.

I apologize for not writing in such a longgggg time.. forgive me.. I’ve been busting my ass to make a reality of something I want to happen. Send me good vibes! THANKS.

Anyway, as I ramble I have plenty to write about.. with a day off from life.. it’s long overdue I’d say so.

My boyfriend is my best friend, I can talk to him about anything & everything.. he’s always there.

When I first saw you, I fell in  love.. & you smiled because you knew

It made me think of when I first saw my boyfriend.. I was on a bus..greyhound.. I first saw him on the phone as we were pulling up.. he was sitting in the jeep.. I couldnt contain myself I was figity in my seat.. I was more excited than nervous.. I was so ready to see him and be able to touch him without using keystrokes of my laptop. He was wearing sunglasses, but I smiled when I saw him.. I really did fall in love.. & I knew it.. & he smiled too.. and we kissed.. magnetic.. i love his beard. He’s at perfect height for me.. simply perfect

Just wanted to throw that out there.

I find it crazy..

You go through life.. in and out of relationships.. and then you finally get that one.. for you.. & you wonder what it was you had with everyone else. I always try to avoid telling my boyfriend that he was the first person I ever truly love.. bc I know he wouldnt believe it.. but it is him who said if you love someone and it isn’t love anymore then it was never love to begin with.. I know I probably sicken a lot of you with talking about my relationship a lot, but when you only feel it with one person thats all you can use.. I dont compare my boyfriend to those of my past but I do know what I felt with them was nothing to what I have with him.. I’m not really one to repeat myself, so I never really has a lot of relationships that were on & off.. I make a choice & I live with it… I follow my heart to the best of my ability & I’m honest with myself. I know that no guys has given me butterflies with steel wings like he does, none of them have made me smile the way he can get me to smile.. they never fit in my future plans.. but somehow he fits perfectly.. none of them were a friend to me.. & I think thats where he trumps everyone.. He knows me, inside & out.. he knows how I am & how to be there for me.. he’s just that one ya know? How can I ever express something that words will never describe, he just stands out from the rest.. his heart waiting for my waiting heart.lovely plan & perfectly executed.. but I know a lot of you reading this can relate to that feeling.. of that one person completely changing your life in the best way.. he’s my one.. *awwwhhhhh <3* <– that thoughts been on my mind for a long time, how he’s the first person to have this affect on me.. I don’t have a backup plan bc he’s the only thing I have a plan with.. & I know it’ll work.

You know… I had a lot to type about but it’s a really nice day outside.. & I wanna order some pizza, open the windows, & play black ops.. So I think I’ll do just that.

Thanks for reading (:

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Que Sera Sera

This is true..

Everything seems so amplified when youre not around.. The crickets, the heart beat, & the rain.. The sun shines too bright, & I wear my glasses bc it pisses me off. Everyone seems so happy.. as happy as I was.. & I’m jealous.. I have you but I dont.. I feel like fucking Mario, I can’t jump up this god damn hill without getting a life size changing mushroom head.. & I can’t find it.. why? Because its in your back pocket…

I hate looking weak.. Absolutely hate looking weak, and thats how I feel.. Is this some lesson I need to be taught? That if you want something in your life, you can’t fight it or make it come back, you have to open your heart up & let it be known..

Well fine.. here goes..

You love someone so much that you don’t even feel like a fucking person when they’re not around.. that their heart is making you live too.. Their blood runs through you.. like some weird form of life. For a moment in time you just forgot about all the worries in your life when you see their smile with your own eyes & touch their scruffy face with your hands.. & get to know they want you in their arms when they wrap you up in them.. & when its taken away from you, you feel so abandoned.. even if they were the one who took it away.. but you had taken it for granted so many times before… its like karma being the bitch it can be.

I usually do things with no thought, like I said I dont live routinely bc its not preferred.. & here I am having a moment.. Im in fingers reach of having & losing the only important thing in my life.. At one moment I think im free of blame and now all I can do is blame myself.. No mind games were needed for this one.. I ran him over with an 18 wheeler once & the reversed over him… & I guess I deserve this loneliness.. i dont know..

Im dramatic.. but I’m fragile with some thick walls surrounding me.. with every move my world shakes but my walls dont break.. and I don’t care about much and I rarely care about people.. but i care about this.. more than i care about a lot that i’ve cared a lot about before..and it’s so hard for me to open up appropriately without sounding rude or bitchy.. I don’t know how to sound sincere sometimes..

sometimes im so cold & heartless… its hard to believe me.. but someones bound to believe me like i believe in myself.. my word is good.

ive learned that you cant expect to be given everything you think you deserve.. you have to prove that you deserve it.. no matter how many tears my eyes can produce, ill continue to cry them until i know where i need to be with you.. ill wish on every fucking star i see every night if i have to, blow out dandelion after dandelion bc they travel where ever the wind blows.. and i know at some point itll land on your shirt when youre walking somewhere.. like the stars are the same stars i wish on that you may or may not see at night.. id walk those 1,626,240 ft to prove it to you.. i told you that if you ever walked to me you’d be stupid.. well if walking to you makes me stupid.. fuck it, im a fucking idiot but id do it..

Im such a fighter, I fought off what I was fighting for.. I get mad over everything.. I know.. a lot of it wont change, but I’ll fix what I need to.. I’m human, not a robot.. i cant be programmed to be perfect & I don’t wish to be perfect.. I wish for you to close your eyes, place yourself in my shoes for 20minutes & try not to cry bc you have no idea how much emotion is really running through my body and heart that i just cant explain..

Every person has a weakness, whether it be food, tv, or a book.. You’re mine.. Anybody else I would be fine to just leave.. I cant with you.. I close my eyes.. I see your eyes when I opened my eyes when you were laying next to me and looking at me in your bed.. I toss over in my bed and I think about tossing over and hugging onto you.. So I toss back over & just think about when you were passed out & tossed over held onto me & let the biggest sigh of relief out, you held me.. the whole night. I remember cuz I held your hand when you did. Youre my weakness.. & I’m ok with it.. bc I want you.. Just you..

I guess I took it as a challenge to challenge your feelings like I did all the time.. I shouldn’t have been so surprised when I was wrong & you did what you did..Believe me I would change so much.. I really would..

How can one person have so much influence on your life, they’re there in your face when they’re not even in the same state as you.. You wake up in the morning & look at your phone, instead of going to facebook you scroll through their pictures and smile.

I’m not afraid of trying for you.. or looking weak because I love you.. I said before I’d fight for love.. bc I believe in it.. & I believe in us.. I believe in you most of all. I’d be strong for you.. I’d be anything you want.. just as long as you call me yours..

If I could follow the stars to you, I would..

Im not very good at expressing myself.. I sound odd, and I’m kleenexing tears off my cheeks as I write this but theres more to say..

We’re not perfect.. but we are for each other with our imperfections.. I embrace everything about you.. I don’t feel at home when Im not with you.. Sitting next to me driving with a cigarette in your ear & your spys covering your eyes.. one hand on the steering wheel and one intertwined in my fingers.. scooting closer just to be closer to you bc we’ve spent so much time apart.. Listening to you get pissed at slow drivers & “dumbass” drivers. Sitting in complete silence with you and being fine because you’re not miles from my reach. Hearing you call me baby without having to read it on a text message.

Do you realize, you’re the only one i wanna hear calling me sweet names.. not from anyone else.. just you. You’re the only one I want to get pissed at over facebook something so fucking stupid, youre the only person I want to call when I get exciting news, and act like a complete idiot with or around because you make me comfortable even though a lot of the time you just kind of look at me like “i can’t believe i love this girl” sometimes (: thats ok bc you love me nonetheless.. I wanna cry and fall in your arms when I feel like giving up, I want you to wipe the tears from my eyes and rock me & tell me itll be ok like you have before, kiss my forehead and call me silly for crying but smile that smile you do for me.  Its you.. ever since the obvious 2 years ago.. ever since I admitted to it May 1st.. & for now until forever.. its gonna remain you..

I want to be there when you feel alone so that you know youre not, to pick you up when youre down & bring you back to good, to remind you how important you are to me & to hold you in silence when words arent needed.. I want you to feel my love without me saying a word.. I want to be the only person you know can do that.. Bc you’re the only person who can to me.. You’re beautiful in your ways & you don’t even know it.. You probably never will.. But I’ll always see it.. even with the grim looks you may carry, I know your soul is built on beauty.. I want to reflect it on you like you do on me when I didn’t push you off the cliff.. Im sorry .. I just love you.. more than I thought I could love anyone..

Im a bitch, & I’m goofy.. I’m silent & I think about too much too fast.. Im stubborn and grumpy.. I have a nack for thinking every girl wants you.. bc I know how amazing you are.. but I’d go through hell and back for you.. Im not weak hearted.. but I know I feel empty right now.. & I’m living off what we have.. & you dont have to believe me, but I do.. Bc this is all from my heart.. no matter how little you think it may be.. its there..

You will never know just how much you love someone until you almost lose them or lose them completely.. Its a horror movie internally.. Except its on repeat..

Words can’t bring you to me.. I hope my heart can.. bc its all here..

Trust me.. Believe in us..

i love you.. just you.. F*E*TTM*B*TI*B*2Image

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Tell Me Again…

Things don’t always go as smoothly as you think them up in your head. No matter how error proof you can make it, there’s always going to be a pin hole of a fault. Living life with no routine is my preferred style, but it can be such a damper. Sometimes change comes my way that hurts, that tests my strengths, & kicks me while I’m down. I wouldn’t change it though, it forces me to teach myself how to overcome things I fear, helps me grow. It makes me reflect on things I did to bring myself to be in such a disaster factor. If I lived routinely I would never live & love fully, I would just expect it to be love without feeling it completely.. & I wouldn’t trade that feeling for the world. Someone once told me when I said they had loved before that if they weren’t “in love” anymore than it was never love to begin with. That’s always stuck with me since then.. In that case, I never felt real love until I was 22..

Ironically enough, I had no idea how to handle it.. After years of wanting a disney love story, a love story of love stories.. Im given it.. & I fumble. Its no surprise, not for me at least. Good at breaking things & a horrible handywoman.. But I’ll try my best when I realize the damage I’ve done. I can’t change the past, but thats where it should stay, behind you as a reminder & not to ruin a future or present. I think that’s my biggest problem.. I let the past dictate a lot of my life & it holds me down… I do a lot of thinking & I never really say anything about it or expressively let it out.. Which is why I now have a wordpress (:

As anyone would imagine, I’m just a girl. trying to find her medium. Not to sit too heavily on the ice so it doesnt crack.. I feel like I need things to be marked as FRAGILE when they come into my life, so i can proceed with caution haha.

I don’t think I’ve ever wished so much on a star in my life..

I know people say there’s always rain before a rainbow.. but i hate that fucking rain when you’re not with me.

Everyone gets hurt & it deters them from furthering good things out of fear.. I guess its like a second nature.. Like when youre a baby & you fall & cry.. you’re scared to walk on cement again bc it scraped your knee.. Youre afraid to give your heart away even more, bc unlike skin, hearts heal slow.. & I think theres always some sort of fear when giving your heart away.. you have no idea what the hands of another can do to something so precious.. I guess what I’m trying to say is, risk it if its worth it.

Don’t break it before its beautiful though, you know, like (getting back to the past) letting the past confine you into a mental attachment of being THAT boyfriend or girlfriend who always feels like they are owed something because they’ve been through some shit before the great person before them. Those people never last, bc theyre so set on it crumbling before they even realize the gradual amazingness it took & felt to get to a certain point.

Im not sure if im making sense to any of my readers.. but I’m sure someone can side with me and understand.. hopefully.

We’ve all been through some shit, some worse than others.. but its no reason to take it out on someone who had no responsibility in it. That’s hard to do.. not make someone pay for experiences you’ve been through.. I guess thats where you just need to trust that they wont, but a lot of the time smart people wont give into someone they believe has bad intentions.. But sometimes smart people arent smart.. we all make mistakes

I dont know.. I just live my life. Hoping things work out the way they should, hoping I get what I hope for at least some of the time more than none of the time.. Always some sort of hope.. & I’m a hypocrite because Ive always been one to stress that you work your ass off for what you want.. but sometimes you cant work work work on something that wont budge with a rush.. like leading a horse to water, you can’t force it to drink. Sometimes, you just need to be patient & just KNOW itll be ok.

I think life is too short to be selfish.. Being selfish gets you lonely. Thats my take on it. When you’re selfish & you make rash decisions based on a [YOU] factor.. you’re only hurting yourself in the long run. I mean i understand life & death situations etc then you really need to think in a YOU factor, but even then, people would put their life on the line for someone they dont know.. like a soldier. But when it comes to other things, dont ever take for granted how someone feels about you.. There are millions and trillions of people on this planet.. and for one person to feel a heart felt emotion for another, thats something.. because thats not selfish.. when two people share it.. its magnificent.. & I think its rare.. its an unbeatable team..

There’s always going to be someones dreams fulfilled at another hearts expense though & to avoid that by gaining two things at once (fulfilling a dream whilst keeping love in tact).. would be brilliant.. Although i’m sure it’s something you need to master… & i think thats why I believe you should take challenges head on vs selfishly. Some people view it as a crossroad, others view it as an opportune challenge to conquer.. I think I’ll take the high road and view it as an opportune challenge to conquer.

I would fight for love, thats why. My future will always be there, I can always decide to do what I want with my life.. I cant unbreak a heart, I cant make tears unfall when they already have, & I certainly can’t take back words/actions that caused it all. But I would do all it took to avoid it if I felt strongly about that tiny beating organ that gives life to one individual that loves me like no other does.. If I ever did, I’d try my damnest to make it right again. Key in: The opportune challenge to conquer: The Opportune = having the chance to fix, The Challenge = fixing it right, & The Conquer = Making it right again  for good.

I ramble a lot.. I apologize!

It always floors me, one heart, an organ nonetheless, apart of a person, a simple being on a huge planet.. filled with so many others.. yet, its your smile, that makes their heart beat, its your voice that makes their clouds ungrey, its your touch that sends shivers.. nobody elses.. & its their heart that loves your heart.. & if  your heart reflects that back to them? WOW! Its like an 8th world wonder. Love is so beautiful, but so difficult at the same time.. & I guess thats why it rains before theres a rainbow huh?

I get stoked when I come to “AH” moments while Im writing on & on about nothing.

Anyway, when you find love.. hold onto it.. theres a lot of things that you are in control of in your lifetime.. Love gives you minimal control over what your heart is dictator of.

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Maza chante

One day I will be just right

Maybe not perfect but well worth the fight

Suppose I’ll have what it takes to be what keeps a heart beating

Instead of what keeps a heart thrive in hate for me

Ive grown to be a disaster, a walking mishap of misfortune, it would seem

Like it’s just me & Im battling the world, its one giant team

I love hard, & I am very one sided.. a side of my own

With every disheartening word, my distance grows

I love deep & I love to a fault, I feel

I only feel triumphant when, in response, I know it’s real

I battle with double ended daggers, I fall on it first

I don’t think Im very special, more of a curse

I apologize when I know there is no fault in any

But I do to get back to the love, that I know there is plenty

I day dream of walking down a stream of flowing water & a breeze gentle in my hair

To the meeting of the land, where your heart will greet me there

My heart can break a million time over

But still beat for you my patient lover

I say what I mean because its all I know how to

I say it always.. I say it to you

Forgive my impatience, I am a child of the ever glowing sun

Always ablaze never stopping, although, its you, I have won

A fight from morning til stars rise

In anger, my words freely fly

Guilt spills over me at the thought of breaking your will

My soul & my spirit it kills

My heart speaks up before my mind can make it hault

It gets me in trouble.. but it’s only my fault

Im a work in progress I will be for a long time

That’s why it’s so hard.. I’m truly one of a kind

A challenge so simple with lots of complexities

Like a constant pin drop, the mind loses its identity

But I will try.. and try.. and try.. til it overtakes all

To keep you from that damnated far fall.

… I am nothing special, nothing of that kind

But I think I am deserving of your heart & mind

With an iron heart, big stick, & vow to protect you with every ounce of my soul, mind, & body.

I dont expect the same in return, look who you’re competing with.. little ol’ me.

Just love me like you know how & be faithful from the start

& you will forever keep in tact this mangled heart.

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1,626,240 feet.. 308 miles.. too far

Let me begin by saying this is not a rant.. but pretty sappy shit. Its my week & Im feeling Nicholas Spark-ish.. Waiting on my parents to bring me some Chipotle.. Besides I have nothing to really rant about lately.. Im sure my boyfriend would disagree, as would many when their girlfriend says she has nothing to complain about..

Leading me to my “press.”  I am in a long distance relationship.. with a man I am head over heels for.. everything I never knew I always wanted.. and so much more.. I’ve been mocked, ridiculed, & doubted for being in this relationship & it has yet to phase me. If anything the biggest enemies of a long distance relationship are yourself & your thoughts.

Funny story.. I met Zach through my ex. Luckily, their friendship diminished faster than the panties dropping on a prostitute looking for blow. So no worries in that department dear reader, I know what you were thinking.. DRAMA DRAMA DRAM.. The only drama was my ex being pretty bitter than someone had actually stepped up to love me right. Anyway, I met Zach through my ex, though the obvious would state that there was an unspoken connection between us, none of us acknowledged it or even realized it til two years after our friendship. He instantly became one of my favorite people and was there for me through a lot of things & I was not the best of friends to him & he was sure to let me know of it.. I admit in any competition dealing with morals & sticking to whats right no matter how much it hurt, he had me beat.

We had stopped being friends at a point or two, he went and did his thing & I continued to make dumb choices, but he never left my mind.. always somewhere in the midst of my thoughts on occasion. About maybe 6months or so between our last “ending of friendship” I wrote him apologizing.. for being a panzy.. & it must have been perfect timing bc after that it was as if things never really ended, he was single, I was single.. He was so patient & so good at hiding that he liked me too.. At that time I had been single for almost 10months.. out of a bad situation & he had had a rough ending.. we were both kinda blah about relationships.. I always read our convo leading up to him telling me he liked me.. I couldnt tell if the girl he was crazy about was me or another.. so I waited.. and about two months after, he told me.. & of course I fucked it up.. again..

HOWEVER, after a long while.. he forgave me but under no easy circumstance.. I was sure he barely even wanted to be friends.. One day I had told him I wanted to say something.. me being me I was on the fence of how to say it.. so I sent him a picture I had seen.. & it said I love you.. & he responded with he loved me too 😀 !!! I’ll never forget that night.. I was the happiest I had ever been in a long long time..

So as you can tell, it wasnt a scriptical romance him & I began.. it was a “motherfuck stop fucking shit up self, time to show what im made of & then some” love.. He gave & I took.. and took.. & I finally stopped being scared & he believed me.. & trusted me.. & I’ll always be thankful.

My boyfriend is not the kind of man that forgives just anybody, & I know this because he almost didn’t forgive me & he loves me to the moon & back.. to infinity if possible. He doesn’t trust people easy, & I honestly think he can count the people he does trust on one hand. He’s a stern man & a challenge to deal with.. So you can understand why Im so proud I have him, bc I worked hard for the love he can give. I feel like I’m sounding a little too worshiping here haha… I am. Don’t get me wrong, he is no picnic, I hate picnics, he’s perfect to me.. He’s perfect for me. Hes always puts my needs before his own, he does all he can to make me smile, he stands up for me, & he protects me & what we have.

He doesn’t put up with my bullshit and I like that.. Nobody can ever deal with my bullshit, they just walk away.. Its easy to walk.. but he stays.. He sees me for what my heart has to offer him.. real love from within. There is no depth I wouldn’t go to make him happy and no distance I wouldn’t walk to see him smile that smile I only see. We have a way with each other & I like it like that, bc I feel safe. I don’t doubt him, & he doesnt doubt me. We can be conniving, rude, mean, & say some very harsh things.. but at the end of the day.. there is no other I would lay my life down for.

I’ve taken him for granted a lot, and now at times I love him too much & it almost seems fake.. Im slowly finding my medium, and we are growing as a couple. He works hard for himself & to maintain us. Happiness is hard to maintain with miles in between, but somehow we manage. Its hard work & by all means not for everyone. I am a strong individual & I will admit that it doesn’t get easier going days without the one you love most being there to kiss you on the forehead in the middle of the night when he gets up at 4am to use the bathroom, or cover you with blankets because you may be cold. I wouldn’t do this with anyone but him..

Before him, I was selfish as fuck.. It was all about me.. No fear in leaving any guy who couldnt fulfill my needs and wants.. When I thought of my future, I only saw myself.. After him, it changed. Its not about what I want or whats best for me, in decision making I think about how itll affect us, how he would feel, and how it will be in the long run.. When I think about my future, I see him.. I see him being the man of the house, showing our children the ways of life, laughing at me when I burn diner and cry when I introduce him to our first born & so on. I can not see anyone else, and I can’t see myself having this again with another if I ever lost him. Thats real. Thats love, and yet I still can’t explain exactly what LOVE really is.. you have to feel it.. & Im sure its different for everyone.. but me, this is heaven.. with a few rain clouds.

He motivates me as a best friend & supports me as a lover. Thats rare. He opens the car door for me, holds my bags, carries heavy things, & still smiles when I manage to say the most ridiculous things. How he loves me, I will never know.. I ask, but I’ll never understand. All I know is that he fills all the other sides of me that I can’t be.. He’s my half to a whole. Though we remain individuals of our own, when I look to my supporting factors, its his face & arms I cling to.

The morning thought when I’m rolling over to wake & the final face I see as I’m dosing off.

1,626,240 feet.. 308 miles.. so far.. but on a map it’s no more than two inches.. Its almost an evil joke that people so meant to be have to be so close & so far. Our relationship relies on texts, skype, phone calls, & words.. and even at certain points when hes working, there are no words.. and its rough.. and thats when you can become your own enemy.. and if youre like me, whom loves attention from only him, then it can almost spiral you down to pure craziness and push a fragile thing away, ruining something so precious.. You have to be strong, not for yourself but for the other. Distance is a monster, but love can overpower anything if theres enough of it.

Nevertheless, a relationship is between two people, its an equal effort to make it work. Communication is key & keeping your temper is always a plus. Talk calmly & use the right words. Over come your fears. Don’t keep trying to the point that you become an annoyance to a brick wall, back off a little & let them meet you in the middle. MAKE IT WORK, TRY. You can’t be afraid. Love is not an easy road. It takes time, patience, effort, understanding, & work. If you can’t juggle those, a relationship isn’t for you & a long distance relationship is positively not in your calling.

So dear boyfriend if you are reading this, I hope you are smiling.. You will always be the happiness I call home, the one I call my own, & the best part of me. I hope you realize you mean more to me than words can ever express, which would explain the many text I try to explain to you.. but end up sounding cheesy.. but understand I mean every word from the bottom of my heart. Not a day goes by I don’t smile with you in mind & a night that goes to sunrise that memories of us fill my head. I love you, forever & ever.. to infinity.. to the moon.. & back.. TWICE!!!!

If anyone reading this, is in a long distance relationship.. dont give up, dont lose hope, & just believe in the love you share. Love Knows No Distance ❤

Countdowns suck, & this is harder than any test.. but thats all this is.. A test.. and the easiest and hardest one at the same time. Take it from me, what keeps me going is knowing he loves me no less than I love him, every passing day is one day closer to being in his arms.

i love you zts.

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Involuntarily optional..

Every now & then I get a wild urge to just go on a fantastic rant on things I discover or constant things I see on Facebook, comical right? Unfortunately, I live a routine life that is not so routine in a sense, but I don’t have the time to be a butterfly and be social beyond the customers at work & my friends across the country, well just one. Hopefully you can understand that beyond my boyfriend, across the nation best friend, customers who aren’t so fantastic (I work in a car parts store, customers are usually pissed when they have to deal with us) & on occasion my nosey neighbor.. I have little to no time to gallivant the area noticing society and it’s beautiful downfalls.

Continuing on.. I am going to be ranting about a few things.. maybe more or less than a few.. and probably going off topic on more than one scribble. Forgive me in advance,  I am not professional writer. However, Tumblr became crowded & nobody wants to read paragraphs of bullshitting on Facebook right? So this is the order I’m going to be ranting, hopefully, naive love, cheating, benefit of the doubt, & what things in life end up coming down to.. 3 things. I feel like its safe to say the first three all somehow tie into each other.

  • Naive Love

Perusing my facebook newsfeed I have come across a tsunami of naive love. More so one in particular, the “new boyfriend every so often months or weeks, after one break up bashing them on statuses & then refusing to admit that they are indeed hurt & not over it soooo onto the next hopeful who has no idea he is nothing more than damaged goods until they are overused” Run-on much? Yeah. Anyway, yes, it kills me.. Young, bright, could cut down on the constant self image pictures that all look the same uploads, priorities are a little lacking, but no standards in guys.. You were in love with one guy, now you’re in love with the next, and surprise you’re in love with this new guy too? I see, it’s ok to be in love because you have known him for a long time… Funny you known him or you have been acquaintances for a long time? Love doesnt come with that sudden rush, it comes with time, effort, downfalls, & sacrifice.. NOT a deep convo every few weeks and a steady paycheck.. There’s also a fine bold line of respect in love, you respect his/her emotions and sometimes theres emotions they don’t show but you know.. don’t test them.,. you’re only hurting yourself. Basically, I’m saying give yourself time to heal, find yourself & love who you are, know what you want, & be brave enough to not fall for the next guy who gives you everything you want.. A soul mate is suppose to break you, in all forms.. They break you open so a new light can shine through (eat pray love) they let you discover parts about you that you had no idea existed.. but they love all that about you as well.. Im not professional on love so don’t take my word for law, but I know love doesn’t always mean fields of beautiful daisies, its a field of roses.. beautiful, yes, but try and grab it up fast & blindly.. You’ll get stuck with a thorn.. and that pain lasts a little while.

  • Cheating

You can say its wrong and it hurts, but you will never mean it until it happens to you. Nothing hurts worse than not knowing the truth, its like working double over time to find it.. especially when your heart is on the line for someone you care about.. someone you trusted.. you always hope you don’t find anything, you’d rather take the blame for being wrong than being hurt.. but when you find the proof… its like death.. even if you knew before the proof, its still shocking.. i guess it depends on the kind of person you are.. but I like to think hurt is the same for everyone when it comes to giving yourself and your time up for another who gave theirs up to someone else.

I will always have my opinions on cheating, and by that I mean I will never say there is any moment it is acceptable. Rape, not cheating, in case there are any smartasses out there. You have a relationship, you stay faithful to them.. Unless you guys are under some sort of agreement that it’s ok to date other openly, then good for you. Anyway, cheating sucks.. Someone always gets hurt. Im harsh on people when it comes to it happening to people I’m close to getting cheating on.. Forgive them & then let them go.. Forgive & don’t forget.. Its like training something, if you say its ok the first time but not to do it again, they’re gonna get the courage to try again. Perhaps in a rare case theyll never do it again, but lets be real.. Who can honestly say they forgave their significant (lol) other and never had the feeling they were being cheated on again afterward.. or caught them leading up to it again.. not many. I don’t understand the ground people stand when they let it continue and then are surprised when it happens again… and again… and AGAIN.. You don’t deserve that because you deserve better.. but if you settle for it then that’s what youll continue to get.. Be brave.. be strong..

  • Benefit of a doubt

Moving forward.. Getting cheated on.. SUCKS.. we’ve concluded.. but entering a new relationship afterwards isn’t easy either.. not for you and not for the new lovely lover. This is where benefit of a doubt comes into play.. Assuming you gave yourself time to heal, you fancy this new person.. GREAT.. you enter the romance.. good job.. now things are beautiful.. YAY!.. then things begin to get mellow but just comfortable mellow as in maybe they’re not up your ass (not bed room wise haha) all the time.. you start to come up with wild images in your head that they are…………. Cheating.. when they probably are just playing some Words With Friends on some game but not the game with your emotions… Then you begin to go down that path, checking on them all the time, becoming the clinger you try to avoid becoming out of fear of history repeating itself.. STOP IT!! The hardest thing to do is to trust someone after being dragged through shit, but you should because you may lose something amazing.. not perfect.. but amazing that will grow into perfect, for you. Trust them until they give you a reason not to.. then if they give you a reason that isnt drastic, you can slowly work through it if it isn’t too late.. or just leave.. Benefit of the doubt it like trusting without knowing.. Ive seen too many relationships fall to pieces because one or the other or both made the other pay for the past.. its one of the saddest cycles I’ve ever seen.. Besides, I think it takes a lot for someone to enter a relationship with someone who’s been hurt a lot before, because they should already know it wont be easy but are willing to work through the broken pieces to be the glue that keeps it going and makes it a masterpiece.. just like a soul mate should.

  • What things in life end up coming down to

Everything in life has an outcome.. good, bad, working itself out by merely brushing it off aka ignoring it.. but it does.. So i’ve concluded.. anything and everything to deal with you comes down to these three outcomes or ways to deal with it

  1. You let it go & let life go on
  2. You do something about it so your life can go on
  3. Let it take over your life and you become its bitch

Either way, you have an option to take control of it, ignore it, or let it control you.. Choose wisely (:

Hope you guys enjoyed my crazy all over the place little post, my next post will probably be about me.. I probably should have done that first but I had been taking notes about these points these recent two days and needed to get them out of my head! Enjoy, leave comments.. open to constructive criticism of course, but I stated I am not a professional, and I just type as it comes to mind & gathers in this brain of mine.

Beware:  Sometimes I feel artistic & write poetry lol.

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